nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't deserve a penis
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
