Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
