the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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