If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
