Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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