so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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