No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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