That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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