Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
