Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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