why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
