Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
