An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
