Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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