i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
