He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
