could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
