I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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