...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
