What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
