I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
