New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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