we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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