Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize