Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
