so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
