I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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