My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
