I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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