dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
