what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
