I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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