Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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