we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
