Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
