Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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