He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Mom said you looked used
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
