Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
