Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
