i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
