If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
