How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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