I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
