I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
