At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
