I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
