I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
