there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
