Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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