i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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