shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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