She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
