i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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