dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
