Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
