have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
