I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
