You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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