i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
