Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I party with great urgency now.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
