someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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